Becoming the Odd Duck

Everytime I sit down to write today's blog I just have a big sigh and think wow..  all I want to do is be negative. You all have those days right? Where's its just really hard to not feel weighed down by the things going on in your life. And while a lot of the things going on in my life are super positive right now, it's just hard to balance them all and not feel BLAH. My mind is consumed with all these thoughts and everytime I stop to grab one and analyze it, it's another negative thought! One big thought that I've been mulling over for a few weeks is about my blog, so let's explore that one today.

I feel like I don't have a direction for my blog. I know there are a lot of readers (thank you mr. google analytics!) and I really don't want to disappoint you guys. I started this blog for ME and in the end, it will still be for ME - but who am I kidding? I'm obsessed with other people's opinions, to the point where I get anxiety over them, and then I start to plan around them. Also, frankly, I'm a little skeeved out by who is reading my blog. I know there are a bunch of you and I know where you guys are from and how you are finding my blog, but not enough to pinpoint WHO is exactly reading. And while I make a conscious effort to only post things I'd be comfortable with EVERYONE in the world reading, I still am a little weirded out by it. Maybe if I knew who some of you were??? Maybe you could leave me a comment? You don't have to! Just sayin...

But anyways, back to the direction of the blog. So many people have food blogs, or exercise blogs, or fashion blogs, etc. etc. And while food is a huge part of my life and exercise is a huge part of my life (and well fashion is not), I just don't feel like labeling my blog as in one category in particular. I'd like to think that my blog is just a direct extension of the crazy (crazy!) thought parties that go on in my head. Because frankly, sometimes I just blog in order to restore peace in my brain. If I can actually slow down my thoughts and grab a few and throw them out here after I've analyzed them, then I feel better about life. I feel like I'm not that crazy anymore. I just worry (again with the worrying) that you all don't appreciate my random and sometimes crazy thoughts and analysis. I don't always have the nice short blogs with the pretty food pictures that make my life look so uber glamorous like so many of the blogs that I read do.

In case you don't know this about me, I'm a compulsive worrier and when you mix that with someone who is obsessed with comparing myself to other people, you get some of the episodes of crazy ridiculous stress and nonsense thoughts that I rarely let leak out on this blog. Sort of like the one I'm having today! My entire life I've put so much pressure on myself to be the best at everything and to be perfect and to not seem weird that I've really muffled the person that I WANT to be. I've also muffled some of my quirks and I have been ashamed of some of the talents that I have. A part of me is kind of ashamed and nervous to tell all of you my plans for each semester of school because they are seriously aggressive and a schedule that not many other people could handle. But, school is my thing, it's always been my thing and I'm a rockstar at it. I love school and I'm super excited about going back and challenging myself with this new degree.

Anyway, the point I guess is (really, there was a point? ha) that I started this blog to force myself to be different. This is my spiritual outlet to help myself find the true person that I want to be. I want to accept the different qualities I have and learn to love them. I want to accept the person that I want to become and stop comparing myself to others to measure my own success. I am the only person that can decide whether or not I am successful - just like I am the only person that decides my happiness.

I never wanted to this blog to become famous. Honestly, sometimes I get a little embarrassed seeing how many people read it now! I never wanted to have hundreds of readers following me each day. I already feel some pressure each day coming up with a post for the few readers I have now. But blogging is not a chore. This is my choice to be expressive and it is my choice of what I write on here and what I tell everyone. It was my choice to start this blog and it's my choice to continue it. I could quit right now and close myself up and try to fit back in with the crowd, but I'm choosing not to. Even if I don't know who all of you are and even if I grow popular one day, it will be because I said the things I wanted to say and I finally figured out how to stop holding myself back. I'm different. I want to be different. I want to be the odd duck. I don't know why sometimes I stop myself from actually being different. Sure, I'm afraid some people won't like me - but as I've learned from my blog posts on spark - a lot of people actually love my brutal honesty and my ability to be frank with myself and that I wear my ridiculously damaged heart on my sleeve. I need to stop telling myself that no one likes me or what I have to say.

So today, I'm going to stop asking for acceptance. I'm going to stop asking approval from people. This is my blog and if I decide to write huge random, "I can't follow what you're saying" rambling - then I will. And if you guys stop reading, I guess mr. google analytics will tell me! But even if you do, I won't stop. I wanted to be different, so I will have a different blog. I'll post what I want, when I want and not worry about it looking like everyone else's. Now that I think about it, that would be pretty boring. I'm more than just a series of pictures of what I ate today or how many miles I ran today. I have random and deep thoughts and I analyze those thoughts and I have pep talks with myself and I love sharing those things. I like to stimulate others to ask themselves hard questions and to look within themselves to realize WHY they do the things they do. I like to analyze myself this same way and apparently the most efficient way of doing that is by writing, so I will continue. So I'm deciding today that my blog's direction is to follow my life's journey to become a happier, healthier and more loving person (to myself).

Wow, I didn't expect this is where I was going at all today - but I'm so glad that I did. I guess even when I think I have nothing positive to say, I can now find a way to spin it in that direction. That's improvement already!