Accomplishment takes hard work

I get really frustrated by people that don't grasp that life is hard and that hard work IS necessary to make their dreams come true. You know.. the people who think they are the victim and nothing ever goes their way. They think everyone is SO much better off than them. These people generally feel entitled as well to an "easy break" or to receive help from others. They want other people to feel bad for them because of their lack of success in one area or another of their life. And sure, there are people in this world that got the longer straw in the draw and have a pretty "easy" life.. but even the easy lives still have hard times and most of those people have to work for the things they want. I get very frustrated by those that feel entitled and feel like they DESERVE for people to give them things when they did nothing to deserve it (no matter what their status is in the class structure by the way.) I also feel frustrated when people who are bitter about their lives project these feelings onto you, because they feel like you have everything and you aren't appreciating their lack of having what you have.

I get frustrated because I don't have everything and I work really hard for the the things that I've accomplished (or have) in my life. I was raised in a household where rewards were given for hard work but were not given if you didn't accomplish the goal. My dad assigned us chores to do and we were to do these particular chores until we had "mastered" the chore and then could be relieved of the duty. I can't tell you how many nights I was SO frustrated because I would wash dishes and my dishes weren't clean enough for him. Glasses still had spots or bowls had residue on the outside of the bowl. But looking back, we didn't have a dishwasher and thus our dishes HAD to be clean by hand washing.. so he had a very valid point. We had the same attitude towards education. I was very self motivated, but my dad always wanted more for me. I would come home with a 94 on my report card and he would push me to make a 96 in the next six week period. There was never a question of IF I would go to college, it was always where will I go and what will I study. Every lesson that my dad taught me was how to be independent, and how to be self sufficient and how to do things for myself, rather than depend on someone else to do it for me.

I grew up in a very poor household, but looking back, I don't feel like I'm entitled to anything now. I knew growing up and (I know now) that I would only be rewarded if I worked hard and stayed focused. I'm not perfect and there have most likely been times that I have been a brat and felt like I deserved something I didn't actually deserve, but overall I really try push myself to work hard to see success. I push myself to achieve the "unattainable things in life" because I know that I can accomplish anything through hard work because my Dad taught me that lesson.

To be frank, I have been noticing some people in my life that DO feel entitled and play the victim card. These "victims" think people who "have everything" should give to them and when the people don't, people are spending too much time thinking about themselves. I started thinking about it and I didn't feel like I could relate. I felt angry because these "victims" don't do the things necessary to have success in their life. When they have to face a challenge to meet a goal, they complain about the struggles rather than focus on the GOAL. And then their goal gets pushed off because they complained about struggling rather than buckled down and just DID IT. 

And so I felt angry, threatened and frustrated that these "victims" don't take the necessary steps to "have everything". And I started to feel a little 'holier than thou' because damnit, I work for my goals and I'm NOT like these people. That is.. until I started thinking about my health journey. And then it hit me that I TOTALLY play the victim pretty often when it comes to weight loss. So I came down off my pedestal and really started to think about how I feel when I'm "doing the right things" regarding weight loss. Why is it that after 2-3 days of perfect eating and exercise I step on that scale and EXPECT the scale to have dropped 5 pounds? Why do I want to cry and give up when that scale actually shows the same weight or maybe even a pound up? I want to yell at that scale and say, "Scale how dare you say that number. Look at all the hard work I've done the past three days!" But in reality, three days is nothing. I didn't gain 80 pounds in three days did I? No, I gained 80 pounds in 6 years. I didn't even gain 5 pounds in 3 days, so why do I play that victim card and expect to be rewarded so soon for good work?

Sure, growing up I was rewarded for my hard work. But it didn't always happen immediately after I did this hard work. I didn't get rewarded for every day I woke up and went to school, did I? I didn't get rewarded when I scored an A on a quiz either. I DID get rewarded at the end of a six week period or the end of the year when ALL my good habits paid off and I made that A in that class. I have to view weight loss the way that I do school (because school is the one thing that I'm wholeheartedly committed to). In school I didn't make 100s on everything I turned in. I had bad days. But over time, the good days outweighed the bad and it paid off. I made that A. It's the same thing here folks. We will all slip up. We will all have bad days. But the more we are "present" and work hard, the more pay off we are ultimately going to see.

I know I have these type of revelations every so often, but really I feel like it's just a new way of approaching this journey. Since I've committed myself to healthy living for the rest of my life.. every now and then I need to be reminded of WHY I'm doing this. And I need to be reminded of WHAT the benefits are and sometimes that requires you to look at things a different way. I believe in hard work. I believe in setting goals. And I believe the only way to accomplish your goals is through hard work. This applies to my weight loss as well and I refuse to be the victim with weight loss. I refuse to feel entitled to lose weight. I also refuse to be upset when other's don't have to work as hard as I do to be thin. Thin does not mean healthy and that's something that often gets lost in my thought process.

So for right now, I'm going to view weight loss the same way as I do school. I'm going to remember it takes a little work every day and you won't always be rewarded for that work on a day to day basis. But, one day I WILL be rewarded and my hard work WILL pay off and I WILL accomplish the goals I have set for myself. And I will probably still be upset with those "victims" out there but I will not feel like a hypocrite because I'm committed to stop acting this way and to work hard for the things I want in life.

Do you believe in hard work?

School is in session

Many people have been asking me about how school is going, and I just want to say THANK YOU! I really appreciate everyone acknowledging and asking about how everything is going so far. That shows that I have support and it makes me feel stronger than ever!

School has been.. interesting to say the least. Honestly this week has been a whirlwind! I have been inundated with realizations and flashbacks to my college years that are both positive and negative. I thought I would share some of the silly, simple ones with you guys and then hit you with some of the larger, deeper realizations I have had this week.

Things I have realized this week:

1. I still love school supplies. Especially ones that are bright colored.

2. Buying the nicer school supplies IS worth the money (I realized this after I spent $12 on my spirals for the semester).

3. I am still very OCD about my school materials. Every class has a binder (with divider for each lab/chapter) and a spiral and they are color coordinated. I also do NOT want my books getting written in or pages crumbled (Already had to scold Matt a few times with my chem book.. just sayin').

4. I still like to snack when I study.

5. I still need something going on in the background (TV, music, snacking) while I'm studying - otherwise I fall asleep.

6. Community College is glorified high school.

7. Community College is NOT for me.

8. I would rather pay 3X the tuition to take a class at a 4 year university rather than a Community College.

9. I have already had a major fight with a Community College professor, which has probably skewed my view of Community College.

10. Everyone IN community college has a kid. WTF?

11. My Type A personality comes out to the extreme when I am involved in something I really care about.

12. I miss my old university and wish I was back there :(

13. I have to buy a parking permit even though I take online classes at my 4 year school, which is LAME.

14. I have thought, "No wonder I gained so much weight during college" about 15 times since Tuesday.

15. Going to my job is a complete waste of time now. I have better things to be doing.

16. I wish my job would fire me.

17. I'm not going to exercise unless I do it as soon as I get home from work. Studying, then exercising, then more studying isn't working.

18. I still like to take starbucks teas to class.

19. No wonder I went to starbucks twice a day during college.

20. I haven't been in a chemistry class in 8 years (imagine a subsequent breakdown after this realization).

21. My preferred attire for class is STILL a hoodie, flip flops and athletic pants.

As you can see, there have been some MAJOR adjustments this week. Here are a few of these in detail:

1. I have really felt at home with school. Granted, I am going to two different schools than my Alma Mater, but just being in the school setting is comforting to me. I feel my best and my most productive when it comes to school. I have also realized how much (and for how long) I have really hated my job based on how much effort I have put into school this week. My type A personality DEFINITELY is the strongest when I truly want or care about something. When I don't care, I put forth minimum to no effort.

2. I also have been relatively shell shocked by Community College (could you tell??). I knew that most of my instructors had the chance of being an adjunct and they would not all be a "Dr." But I was not prepared to be treated like I am in high school. I haven't been in high school for 8-9 years, and I like it that way. Perhaps the greatest shock was the lack of a course schedule on the first day. I got into a fight (via email) with one of my distance learning professors because she would not send us a schedule of due dates for the course. [The first day of school is my absolute favorite because you receive a syllabus with your entire semester laid out for you - right? I spend the rest of the class writing all these deadlines in my planner and color coding with a highlighter all the assignments, quizzes, papers and tests (dude, you wish I was kidding).] She accused me of being "stressed out" (LADY.. we are not even shaking the tail of stress right now.. just send me the schedule) and sent me the first "UNIT"'s (again high school?) schedule before she released it to the rest of the class. This schedule gets me through February.. great.

There also were two different policies stated on tests in the class. Since it's an online class, the tests should be online - right? Well in one area she said that, but in our class orientation she said that we had to go to campus to take them in the testing center. You should know, I don't care either way.. but I need to know ahead of time so I can take off work to go take the tests. When I emailed her about which one was correct, she replied with a very snide comment about how I needed to read the schedule she emailed me. So I replied right back with both policies she had stated and she later apologized and FINALLY answered my question. Also she asked the entire class to make note of any mistakes in the lessons and let her know. Really!?

It's been a world of difference between what I am used to (and what level of care I am currently receiving in my 4 year university classes) and what's going on at the good ole' CC. I do not like it. I have one more class I could take at a CC, but I am seriously going to try to take it at my 4 year school because I just can't handle it. In college, you should have the expectations of the class laid out on the first day, regardless of who your professor is and how organized they are. Perhaps I am spoiled, but this is simply my experience so far and maybe I've just been unlucky?

3. Other than that, I have been pleasantly surprised to feel alive again inside and to feel like my days have a purpose. Each class has a purpose as well and I really have to soak up the information, because it's a stepping stone for my future classes. This has been a very different experience than business school. Business school classes all teach you theories and the theories apply to ONE aspect of a business. But now, I'm in science classes. And we have labs, and we have to learn everything in this class before going to the next level and that's been a little weird for me. Perhaps the greatest example of this is my Chemistry class. I knew, going into this semester, that Chemistry would be my hardest class and I would have to study the most for it. But I never really considered the fact that I haven't been in Chemistry for 8 years and that the classes I took 8 years ago were a prerequisite for the class I'm in now. I spent the first 5-10 minutes of our night class this week having a panic attack in my head because I had NO idea what the guy was talking about. Let's just say, I forgot the periodic table even existed - let alone what everything on it means. Since I am taking O-Chem this summer and BioChem in the fall, I HAVE to do well in this class.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend is a Chem genius (read: he had a fantastic Chem teacher in high school and remembers everything from the class), so we spent about 2 hours the other night reviewing what I learned 8 years ago. I'm feeling much better now and I have to keep remembering myself that I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. Also, I'm hoping to find a gigantic periodic table poster and hang it on my wall in my living room. My theory is the more I look at it, the more sense it will make? (again, you WISH I was kidding).

4. Everyone thinks I am crazy and I think those people are stupid. Seriously. I've had almost everyone in my life (except Matt) tell me at some point the past few weeks/months that I've put too much on my plate. People have questioned my sanity and I've just wanted to stick my middle finger in their face. I WILL make it out of this semester alive, and well, and knowledgeable and successful. And if you aren't capable of what I'm doing, don't do it. But I AM capable of it and if you don't believe me - sit back, shut your mouth and watch me. The past few weeks I have been so busy doubting myself because everyone's comments have blown up in my face and I'm so sick and tired of it. I put more thought into the decision to go back to school than I have anything else in my life. I used a rational head and I spent weeks planning everything, keeping in mind my own abilities. I know myself better than anyone else and therefore, no one else can tell me what I am capable or not capable of doing other than myself. So I just wanted to let it be known that I'm not entertaining anyone else's doubt about my schedule right now. Also, I'm clearly NOT bitter about this (right?).

I keep thinking of this quote that says (roughly): "If you want to accomplish what you've never accomplished, you have to do what you've never done." I keep remembering that before I decided to go back to school, I had never made a decision for myself without taking into considerations someone else's opinion. If I decided I wanted to really do something, I wouldn't do it without the support of my family and my friends. I have been living a life that was designed by the people around me rather than by myself. Sure, I had a part in the decision but I've only done things that are "approved". Do you know how many opportunities I've missed out on because of this?? So even if I hate Community College and I'm busy and I can't go out every weekend with my friends, I know these things because I found them out MYSELF. I didn't listen to anyone else when I made this decision so why would I listen to them now???

(Clearly this is a pep talk for myself that I thought you all would enjoy!)

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That's really about it. I spend my days sitting at my desk thinking about school and all the stuff I have to do - and I spend my nights reading, doing assignments/labs and actually going to my Chemistry class and lab. It's definitely going to be a busy semester, but it's certainly do-able (no matter what anyone says to me). And most of all, it's worth it. Because I'm worth it and my dreams are attainable and I want it badly enough that I'll make the "impossible" sacrifices to make it happen!

It all changes tomorrow

The day has finally arrived, and that day is tomorrow. School starts.

I can't tell you how many feelings I've been experiencing lately. I'm excited and anxious, hopeful and worried and a bundle of other emotions that come at me out of no where approximately every 2 hours. The past 2-3 weeks have been, frankly, unbearable. I have been literally up and down with no rhyme or reason and the mood switches without any warning whatsoever. I've spent approximately 50% of the past 2-3 weeks crying, 25% planning and getting ready and the other 25% going about my other daily business. I have spent 100% of this time, in my head, imagining how everything will play out and that is not a good thing. It's making me crazy because I'm literally believing these made up scenarios about situations that will happen weeks and months from now are happening RIGHT NOW. It's caused me to take it out on others in my life and get into fights, to get worried and to become somewhat neurotic. I'm SO happy that this is all going to end tomorrow.

This exact minute, I'm feeling ready and confident and just want today to fly by as soon as possible. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but for now, I'm liking it. I'm very lucky, in that 4 of my 5 classes are online. 2 of these classes have already posted syllabi, assignments and information online and I've been able to access all of this. Luckily, these two classes that have posted all of this are the classes I am the most interested in, but will take the most work. I actually completed part of the first assignment in one of these classes yesterday and I have a rough idea of what my weekly school schedule (taking quizzes, studying, reading and completing assignments) will look like based on these two classes alone. You have no idea how comforted this makes me feel.

The part that I find interesting and a bit funny is that although I've been planning in my head and spending all this time thinking about how much work school is going to be (on top of my job and personal life), I never took the time to think about WHAT I would be doing. I imagined reading for class and going to my one night class - but I totally forgot about taking quizzes, or the fact that one of my classes has an at home lab where I have to conduct experiments in my kitchen each week. I didn't consider writing lab reports or doing online discussion posts for the classes. I have been so caught up in all the TIME it will take for school, but I never stopped to think about what I'd be doing. I just find that funny. But, I have to remember that I am going back for a science degree this time and my previous degrees are in business. A little different class structure, huh? In business classes, you really just read, take tests and write papers. I have completely forgotten the work that science classes require!

Alas, I am ready and excited. I don't mind spending time on these classes because I'm interested in the material. The material means something to me outside of my future career because I can (and want to) apply it to my current personal lifestyle. There were very few business classes I took that applied to my life directly, right now, and were something that I was interested in outside of a career. Don't understand what I mean? I was a finance major and I have always paid someone to invest my money for me. I think that explains it, don't you?

Seeing my schedule come together and knowing when the tests, quizzes and assignments are due is comforting to me. I feel like several people have questioned my ability to juggle 16 college hours with my full time job and my personal life. At first I was defensive and said I could do it. But as time has passed, I have let these comments affect me more and more. I have had countless mental breakdowns in the past few weeks about IF I could do this and HOW I would find the time and WHEN I would be able to spend time with Matt. I have lost faith in my ability to schedule, plan and delegate tasks in my life. Seeing all the individual deadlines for these classes helps me tremendously. It breaks down these large goals (finish this semester, get As in my classes) into smaller, more attainable goals. If all I am focusing on is finish this lab by Thursday and comment on people's results by Saturday, write the lab report by Monday - it makes the goal more achievable. I have always done this with my personal goals (breaking a monthly goal into tasks to accomplish each day), but doing that with school is so difficult since you do not manage the coursework. Having these syllabi allows me to see the individual work that needs to be done over the next few months and restores my confidence that I can do this.

There are still a few loose ends to tie up, but I will be in the full swing of the semester by this weekend (save my in-person lab Monday nights). I have my first assignment due this Thursday, followed by another deadline Saturday night and a quiz on Sunday. Knowing things are truly going to pick up this quickly and as of tomorrow I am officially in school again takes a huge weight off my shoulders. There are no more internal struggles about 'if this is the right decision for my life'. There are no more arguments with those that think I'm making a mistake. There is a new direction to my life and every single day for the next 3.5 years will be working towards one common goal - becoming a RD. This all starts tomorrow and I am hoping to ride this wave of pure excitement and joy well into tomorrow and go from there.

From now on, the question of "Can I do this?" is gone and replaced by the statement - "I am doing it, so watch me succeed." I have been waiting for MONTHS for this moment and I'm so happy it's finally here.

Small Victories: Overcoming the "perfect workout"

I'm deciding to start a new blog series called Small Victories. These blogs will be dedicated to acknowledging and celebrating the small changes that are made in the transition to a healthy lifestyle. I don't think that people (myself especially) focus so much on the big goals (like weight loss), that we don't celebrate those small changes. Those small changes are actually the reason the big goals get accomplished, so acknowledging the small victories can help you see how much progress you have made. If you think you aren't making progress, keeping a list of your small victories to reflect on in down times will help tremendously!!

If you know me or have been following my blogs long enough, you'll know that I am obsessed with perfection. The strive to be perfect plagues me every day and really gets in the way of my goal setting. I tend to have a black or white view on perfection. If I can't achieve perfection, I normally just give up and don't try. Overcoming this perfection plague has been a priority for me as of late as I'm trying to live a more balanced life. I keep reminding myself that I have to practice what I preach. How can I be a successful RD and tell people to set achievable goals when I am not doing that in my own life? Obviously this is an area I am working on and I recently have been focused on my biggest struggle, overcoming the "perfect workout."

My "perfect workout" involves working out for 1 hour (minimum) a day, usually 6 days a week. This "perfect workout" involves a class at my gym - usually spinning, water aerobics, step aerobics, body pump or yoga. If not a class at my gym, I run for 2-3 miles and walk about a mile between my warm up and cool down. Now, obviously these are decent workouts right? I definitely need to add strength training (part of my January goals that I haven't posted yet), but other than that.. I'm really pushing myself hard with these workouts. And honestly, most weeks the "perfect workout" is completely achievable. But the problem arises when I have a scheduling conflict or generally burn myself out and I can't achieve a week of perfect workouts. As I mentioned above, I'm inclined to do nothing and usually - that's exactly what I do.

The holidays were emotional, busy and overall threw me off my routine and I found myself not working out at all when faced with the lack of time or drive to complete my "perfect workouts." Isn't that ridiculous? I had plenty of time some days to work out for an hour and more than enough times that I could workout for at least 30 minutes, but I chose to not workout instead! A big part of my problem is the lack of activities that I enjoy and find rewarding that don't last an hour. I am motivated the most by group exercise and slightly less (but still a lot) so by running outside. When it's cold, I don't want to run outside. I generally hate the cardio machines in the gym, so lately I've been leaving myself the option of a group fitness class only. If I can't attend, I don't work out.

That's just not acceptable and I have realized I have to make a mental change. Last week, I decided to suck it up and just GO to the gym and get on the elliptical. I absolutely despise the elliptical, but realistically I can tolerate it for 20 minutes maximum. I prefer 15 minutes :). Same goes for the treadmill, but I can make myself run a mile on it before I want to go insane. I'm trying to like the stairmaster, but that's still a work in progress.  Continuing on this path, Saturday with the option of group exercise not available, I chose to take a long 4 mile walk with Matt and Lexi and just get outdoors. Sure, I wasn't running - but since I had company I had a great time.

The point IS that there are plenty of exercises I can still do when group exercise is not available. There also are times when a shorter, less intense workout is just as beneficial (if not more!) than my "perfect workout." The hard part is pushing myself to not over think the workout and just GO. With school about to start and my extra time about to be significantly crippled by the extra load of school, now is definitely the time to start re-evaluating my workouts and make sure that I have a plan that is both enjoyable and attainable. A week of "perfect workouts" on top of school and work is NOT achievable for this upcoming semester.

So where have my small victories been lately? Well, there have been several! As I mentioned, Saturday I went on a long walk for my workout. Sunday I chose to take my little sister (big brothers big sisters) ice skating rather than to a movie and we skated for 1.5 hours! These were both great victories for me since normally I would feel unaccomplished since my workouts were not intense or traditional. But perhaps the greatest victory occurred this morning.

This week is VERY hectic at work. I have conference calls that last most of the day today, tomorrow and Wednesday. This means some late nights that are going to interfere with my workouts (i.e.. too dark to run outside and no group exercise offered). Today, knowing that I would be at work until ~7:30pm, I asked my boss if I could come in a little later than normal. Mondays I normally come into work at 6:30 AM so I was very thrilled he let me come in at 9 AM. The SOLE reason I asked him for this favor was so I could start my day with a workout. I awoke this morning 1 hour earlier than necessary to go to the gym and get in a very short but intense workout on the elliptical/treadmill. Even better was the fact that I was running 30 minutes late compared to my original plan and normally I would totally blow off my workout due to the "lack of time". But today, I stuck it out and decided that working out and going into work 30 minutes later was NOT a problem and would be totally worth it. And that's exactly what I did! The entire time that I was at the gym, I felt accomplished and I celebrated my victory.

I thought afterwards about how my workout this morning took 30 minutes, in which I burned 425 calories. If I did ONLY 5 of these workouts a week, I would burn 2,215 calories a week, which is 8,500 calories a month. That is 2.5 pounds a month that I would lose simply from these easy workouts that I never have deemed significant before. So in the weeks when I feel rushed or like I have no time to workout, just getting to the gym to do a simple workout will really add up over time. This was very eye opening and rewarding for me to think about this morning and definitely motivates me to just GET to the gym, no matter what. Sure, I will still strive to fit in my "perfect workouts" when I can, but I also will try to integrate more of these simple workouts into my weekly routine.

The entire principle of SparkPeople is that any fitness is better than no fitness. They preach that even 10 minutes a day will make a difference and they have a large variety of 5-10 minute workout videos available on their website. While I've always believed their principle, I've never applied it to my own life. I am going to continue celebrating my small victory of overcoming my "perfect workout" in 2010 by applying SparkPeople's principle and getting in a workout anytime that I can. Any workout is better than no workout, especially when the only reason I'm not working out is because my workout isn't "perfect" in my eye.

What are some small victories that you have celebrated lately? How does celebrating these small victories help you accomplish the big goals? What is your "perfect workout" and what do you do when you can't achieve it?

Post Holiday Tips

A quick note first:

The Spark came out yesterday. This is SparkPeople's first book and I recommend everyone buy it! I pre-ordered my copy back in September and will be receiving it next week! In case you aren't familiar with SparkPeople, it's the largest online diet and fitness website that teaches people to lose weight through diet moderation, exercise, goal setting and an online support community.

I've been a member of SparkPeople since October 2008 and I can't sing enough praises about how much this website has helped me. Although I've already been through the 28 day plan that is taught in The Spark, I will still read this book and be using it as a reference guide and as a refresher for some healthy habits I have slacked on as of late. I really recommend all of you to check out the book, or at the least check out SparkPeople. If you decide to join, let me know and I'll send you my information so you can look me up there!

And with that, I NOW can tell you that I'm REALLY excited the bulk of the holidays are over! I still have a few special holiday events planned over the next few weeks, but the majority of the holiday rush (and travel!) is over and it's time to get BACK on track. Unfortunately this year, I didn't do as great a job of maintaining my healthy habits and practicing moderation as I had hoped I would. But, I'm not going to let that get in my way right now. It's time for me to focus on my health again and start feeling fantastic as we all move into 2010 and I move into this next year as a 24 year old (still so weird!). In the past, I would feel like focusing solely on healthy habits would be difficult with the few holiday engagements I still have pending. This year, I'm choosing to remember that a healthy lifestyle is about balance and every little bit counts for something. I don't start school until January 19th, so until then I have to juggle these last few events with special conferences at work and can't really settle down into a solid routine until school starts.

So what am I doing to balance a healthy lifestyle with the next few weeks of spotty post-holiday engagements? Here are a few tips, plus how I am integrating these tips into MY life.

1. Take charge of the events you have left.

You still have a few friends you need to meet up with, right? And of course there is the NYE celebration, along with a few stray holiday parties in January or birthday celebrations you need to attend. When and if possible, take charge of these events and plan it yourself! There's no better way to control the menu, location and timing of these events than taking it on yourself. When you are in charge of the planning, you can make sure everything works for you! Plan a healthy menu, ensure the party will be somewhere convenient for you and time the party around your exercise routine.

I am definitely doing this! I had plans to go out to dinner with an out of town friend last night. Rather than going to a restaurant and being subjected to their menu, I asked my friend if she would like to come over for a home cooked meal! She of course obliged and I prepared a taco bar with healthy ingredients for everyone. I'm doing a similar thing for NYE. Instead of going to a party or worse, a bar, I invited a friend over to my house and suggested we stay in for the night. I'm planning a healthy menu as well as making my own cocktails. It's going to save me time, calories and the hassle of being out that night!

2. Resume moderation with the treats and drinks.

The sweet treats are mostly gone, but there may be a few strays left around your house or office. Or maybe you did a lot of drinking over the holidays and feel like you can still drink that way now. Think back to your summer self and recall that you practiced moderation with treats and drinks in your life and did not always indulge. Practice this mindset again! Obviously going from a treat eating machine to quitting cold turkey is a horrible idea (you'll SO binge!), so just resume your normal treat schedule. Freeze any left over treats in your house and you can enjoy them year round (in moderation of course)! If you feel the craving for a drink, try having a "mocktail" first. You might be surprised to find that you won't miss the alcohol in the mocktail!

Leftover chocolate and treats are in my freezer so that's a check for me! I did still allow myself a cupcake for my birthday that a coworker brought in yesterday. I am definitely on board with the mocktails right now. My birthday this year was the first birthday I've had in 6ish years where I didn't have a drop of alcohol. To be honest, I am alcoholed out from the holidays this year! In the past, I would feel obligated to have a drink at my birthday dinner, but this year I ordered what I really wanted - a club soda with a splash of cranberry juice and a lime. I DID NOT miss the vodka at all. It was refreshing and fabulous.

3. Hydrate.

Hydrate that body people. With all the extra salt, sugar and alcohol you put in your system over the past few weeks, your body will really appreciate the extra water. Try adding fresh limes or lemons to your water. It will not only boost the taste and vitamin content of your water, the lemons are a natural diuretic and it will keep your body from retaining the water. If you are retaining water right now, you definitely want to keep hydrating. It sounds counter-intuitive but your body is holding on to that water because it thinks it isn't getting any more. Show your body you will give it water and it will stop retaining!

Yesterday I had roughly 12 glasses of water - split across lemon/lime water, hot tea and club soda and today is chugging right along the same path!

4. Exercise.

Even if you think you don't have time, 10 minutes of exercise is better than 0. If you took off the past few weeks of exercise, then slowly build yourself back up this week and next. Even if it's a walk around the block, 20 minutes on the elliptical or a few sun salutations before bed, it's worth it and it will push you to workout harder when your schedule allows for it.

This time of year, I prefer to integrate a few shorter workouts into my routine so I don't feel SO busy. I have plans to spend about 20 minutes on the elliptical tonight at the gym, as well as walking 1-2 miles on the treadmill. It's light exercise, but it's still exercise and it's a lot more than I've done in the past week! :)

5. Set realistic goals

It's about to be 2010, which means a new year and new resolutions for everyone. This year, make goals, not resolutions. Make yearly goals that will require a little work each month and are attainable. Then each month, look at your yearly goals and make monthly goals based on what you need to accomplish to make these goals happen. Maybe a goal for you is to have an organized house. Each month, write down one or two areas of the house that you can tackle and by the end of the year, you'll have everything organized (also you should make a monthly goal to tidy these areas daily or weekly to keep them organized.. just saying). Make sure that you are setting goals that are realistic and meaningful to you. Can you devise a plan that will accomplish these goals but fit into your daily or weekly life? Is it something you will stick with? Don't just say you want to lose 50 pounds and drop off the goal by the end of January because you only lost 5 pounds and feel discouraged. You see what I mean?

My 2010 goals and my January goals will be posted on the blog today for you to read!!

6. Realize that most of the weight gain is temporary.

Most of the weight you gained (if any) over the holidays is temporary. It's from water retention, a little lost muscle mass from not working out and TOO MUCH SUGAR. It will easily come off if you give it a few weeks and don't do anything radical. Focus on the things I mentioned above and remember that the holidays are over and you can get back on track and be healthy.

I'm not even going to talk about my weight gain because I am focusing on this tip myself and remembering that it WILL come off soon ;)

Those are just a few tips that I have for getting back on track post holidays and starting the new year off right!

What tips do you have for the post-holiday weeks and how do you balance any damage you did to yourself over the holidays?

You are worth the struggle

One thing that I will never deny is the fact that I’m hard on myself. And I mean really hard on myself. I’m a perfectionist by nature and therefore I have ridiculously high standards I hold myself to. When I don’t meet these standards, I’ve been known to feel negatively about myself and put myself down.

Lately, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been struggling with the “healthy lifestyle”. And while most of this struggle HAS been due to no weight loss due to an obvious plateau, even more of the struggle has been all the negative self talk I’ve been giving to myself. I can even catch myself doing it. This morning is the prime example. I woke up with a little tummy ache and after finishing my weekly weigh in and seeing a 2 pound plus from last week, I just felt defeated. And I blamed the extra 100 calories I had over my max range from my snack attack after work. I also blamed the fact that I skipped my spin workout due to getting really sick the night before from pushing myself too hard during that spin class.

Let’s back up for a second. A few weeks ago one of my very good spark friends wrote a blog about how she has a hard time asking for help and was having trouble asking to work out with a trainer at her gym. About a week after she posted this blog, I responded telling my friend that I felt the same way! I told her I felt like everyone in my gym judges me because I feel larger than everyone in my classes. I told her I felt like a lot of people judged me because it took me one year to lose only 30 pounds. I also confessed to her that I had a breakdown a few days prior to my reply about how I didn’t see the point of this journey anymore because I've stopped losing. None of the thoughts I had during this breakdown were logical, so I will spare you the flawed logic I was experiencing.

You see, lately I have been struggling with these certain ideas I have in my head of what I should be doing and since I’m not doing these things, I’m not losing. Some of these things include eating at the bottom of my calorie range, which I physically cannot do right now. I’ve been at the top of my range for weeks because I’ve been SO hungry and I’ve been trying to meet certain nutrient goals that require more food. I also have this idea that I should be working out or doing something highly active every day. I make these overly ambitious workout plans for the week and when I’m feeling exhausted, I of course skip a workout (usually my runs) and then I feel guilty all day.

But I didn’t realize HOW flawed my thinking has been lately until earlier this afternoon. I received a sparkmail from a sparker I had never spoken with. I opened the email and the woman told me she read the comment I left on my friend’s blog. She said that she was judging me because of how much I have accomplished and how I am so determined to become healthy. She told me to keep up my great work and keep striving for my goal. After reading this message a few times, I took time to reply to the woman telling her, “Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this today. I’ve been having such a rough time lately.” The woman promptly replied to me, saying: “Becoming healthy is a struggle. But remember, you are worth the struggle. So keep working towards your health.”

An entire football field of lights came on in my head as I started to analyze what this woman had just said to me. I realized that I’ve completely lost sight of the goal: To become healthy. Yes, losing weight is part of the process of becoming healthy – but right now I’m the healthiest and fittest I’ve been in my life. For example, the first day I went to Curves in September 2008 my resting heart rate was in the 78-80 range. I hardly worked out then. Tonight, as we were cooling down in yoga my rest heart rate was 59. 59!!! That’s absolutely incredible.

Eating in my calorie range and working out are two tools that have led me to improved health and will continue to improve my health. But they are not the be all end all of becoming healthy. I HAVE to switch my outlook to one of a healthy person. There are no “on and off days” in a healthy life. Every day is an on day and some days are better than others, but that’s why “balance” and “moderation” are two of the most important principles of becoming healthy. My healthy lifestyle doesn’t stop the day I indulge myself with an out of the ordinary meal. My healthy lifestyle doesn’t stop because I take the day off of exercise. I have to give myself more slack and more time to relax. As of right now, I put too much on my plate and I typically become overwhelmed before I even start and mess up. I eat things I shouldn’t eat, because I know I shouldn’t eat them. I also skip workouts because I’m feeling so overwhelmed in my head about the rest of the workouts for the week. It’s unacceptable!

So, I want to thank the random sparker today that really made me take a step back and re-evaluate my outlook. I am worth the struggle. And so are you. So let’s stop being our own worst critic and start becoming our own best friend. You deserve a night off exercise. You deserve dessert or a glass of wine or that handful of chips. We deserve these things because we practice moderation and balance and we realize that having an indulgence one day does not mean that it has to continue.

You are worth the struggle.

The battles of the Type A personality

As many of you may have figured out by now, I have an extremely type A personality. I have MANY of the classic characteristics: Ambitious, perfectionist, impatient, competitive, can't relax, consumed with time, needs to be in control, constantly stressed. Mostly, too, I'm anxious.. about everything. I'm consumed with nervous energy and it fills my entire body. I actually have a generalized anxiety disorder that I likely have had since birth, but has become more strong due to some personal circumstances I've gone through in the past few years of my life.

I've come to realize in the past few months that I actually feel my best and work my best when I accept these facets of my personality and use them as strengths instead of weaknesses. The times in my life when I've felt the best and been the most productive are the times when I've actually been the most type A. College is my best example that I could share with you. I thrived in college because I was completely in control of EVERYTHING and it was amazing. I find that when I'm not in control, or feel like I have control, I feel stress - almost instantly. So, in college.. I was able to let all of my type A characteristics come out and I felt safe. I was able to be a perfectionist with the notes I took in class, the assignments I turned in and my tests. I was able to be competitive and not feel like an overachiever. I could be ambitious and go for two degrees and take the hardest course loads. I hardly had time to relax because I was so busy, so I didn't have to worry about that! The point is that, for me, I was the MOST productive in college that I've ever been in my life.

One of the things that kept me grounded throughout my later years in college (the years where I really buckled down and worked solely on my degree work) was my day planner. I have had the exact same day planner for the past 4 years. Yep, since 2006 folks. Every year I go to Barnes and Noble and pick up a refill and I see the exact same format that I've seen the prior year. This planner has become such an integral part of my life that I think I would literally cry for a week straight if I lost it. It has birthdays, anniversaries, bills, paychecks, a structure for how every single paycheck will be spent. It has recipes, notes, papers sticking out out of random weeks of things I need to keep on hand at all times. My planner goes with me EVERYWHERE. Every day when I come to work I pull my phone and my planner out on my desk and they sit there with me all day. And every single year when I go buy a new one, I spend a solid hour writing down everything from the previous year into the new year and color-code where necessary (you wish I was kidding).

The planner is by week and each day is broken down into half hour blocks for Monday-Saturday from 8am-9pm. It has a section up top where the date is that I can write general reminders about that day. It has a section on the side for calls and emails for each day. It has a monthly section in the beginning (which strangely I don't use right now but I should) and a by day map out of the next year in the back. It has a little tab I can tear out as each week passes so I can easily find my way to the current week. And best of all, right now I have a red cover for it. It's stylish and it plans out every day of my life.

A few weeks ago I was feeling a little undue stress about certain events going on in January. I wanted to open my planner and start writing down these events, but thus my planner stops at January 3. So I went online to Barnes and noble and tried to find a refill on there. No luck. I talked myself off the ledge (figuratively of course) and told myself to wait closer to Christmas. They will eventually go on sale for 50% off and I should wait until then, like i do every year. Well fast forward to today and I felt this same stress. I thought about it today and reasoned with myself that if an extra $10 to buy the planner now meant I would not be stressed out periodically over the coming weeks when I felt the need to write down something, it was worth it. So over lunch I went off to Barnes and Noble. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I was so excited!!! Imagine how un-excited I was when I got to the store and could not find this planner anywhere! How in the world could I have bought this same planner for the past 4 years and now this year, they are not carrying them anymore? Once again, trying to avoid a panic attack I went to the help desk and handed over my trusty planner for the guy to find a serial number (or something on). I'm sure this man thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. I need a 2010 planner! He could not find anything in his system, nor in the store and told me to check back in a few weeks to see if more come in.

Not going to happen buddy.

I looked at their calendars but realized none of them would work. I preceded to drive down the plaza to an office_____ (depot? max? no clue) and look there. At first all I found were "At a glance" calendars, which clearly by the name you know that's not going to work for me. I did actually find one that broke down every day into 15 minute increments! Remember when I told you my weekly routine is broken down that way. I was almost sold when I realized it was missing two very important things that my current planner has: a tear out tab to know which week you are on, and the ability to hold papers, notes, etc in between the pages. This one was much larger than my current and had a ring binding instead of my current book binding.  I left the store empty handed and sad.

I realize that telling you these things make me sound even more OCD than you thought I was at first, but I'm okay with that. Having this planner reduces my stress and that is all that matters. My planner is a huge part of my life and it's important to me. I will not settle on just any planner. I need something that is going to fit my needs. And an extra $10 to buy a planner now is worth it. Sometimes in life you need to pick your battles. My battle with stress is better combated by having a planner that works for me, and I recognize that it's a worthy investment.

Strangely though, after this series of events and revelations - I did realize today that I was being dramatic and my world will not end if I don't get this exact same planner. After looking at several other planners today, I noticed a few things that I don't like about my current planner. I also realized that if I wasn't going back to school in 2010, I could easily just buy a planner without the hours broken down - as I don't even use that feature right now. I work a desk job where I work in excel all day long. There is nothing I could write in the planner for work that needs to be there. I generally just make lists and arbitrarily assign them to a block of time for my personal things right now. But once school starts, I will be back to my old ways - writing down every class, study session, test and paper and color coding all of them. My planner will look alive again!

After remembering I'm about to go back to school, I knew that with all the change approaching in my life, I could not accept the change of having a different planner next year. It might seem silly, but this planner has been with me when I've been my best in life and I want it there for the next phase, one that I still feel very anxious about. After I came back from Barnes and Noble today, I searched online and finally found a refill from the companies website and paid $20 with shipping for the refill. But that is probably the best $20 I will spend for the next year because it has bought me peace of mind, a channel for my quirks and a means to survive through a time of change and uncertainty. I'll take it!

Welcome to the mind of a Type A personality!

100 Day Challenge

The problem:

I am in a plateau. I have been for about 6 weeks. I am going insane and therefore not focusing on the important small steps to get myself out of the plateau. Instead I am choosing to not track my food, not work out and cry because I feel like giving up. This has been heightened by the fact that it's the holidays and I can't shake the feeling that I won't be able to lose during the holidays. It also is magnified by the fact that come January 19th, I start 16 hours of school plus 40 hours of work a week and I'm convinced I'm going to not make it and my health will be the thing that slacks.

The attack plan:

Join a 100 day challenge 3 of my spark friends are doing. We have set 5-6 goals of things to do every.single.day for the next 100 days. We are tracking these things every day and competing to see who has the most check marks. I have 6 goals, so I have 600 possible check marks to get.

The goals:

I have chosen achievable and important small steps so I can make it through the holidays, through the start of school and close to half way through the semester.

1. Drink 100 oz of water a day

2. Eat a minimum of 2 fruits and 3 veggies each day

3. No eating out unless for a special occasion (birthdays, work functions, meeting distant friends, etc)

4. At least 10 minutes of activity each day

5. Track ALL food

6. Weekly: Accomplish all weekly goals. If I miss a goal, I miss a day's checkmark. Two goals missed, two checkmarks, etc.

The reward:

We have a small reward for the group that we are still deciding on. My personal reward will be a Garmin Forerunner if I can get 90% of my checkmarks. I need 540 total.

The results:

I'm on day 2 and I am ALREADY down .8 pounds from my last low over a month ago. That means that I'm back on the low side of the 3-5 pounds I've been bouncing between and am making progress already.

THIS WILL WORK. I WILL BREAK MY PLATEAU.

Back on track month

I wrote this last week, on 11-2, but forgot to post. I've tweaked it a bit, but the general thought is still the same!

It seems like everyone and their dog is doing a back on track month for November right now. It's funny (to me) that people are trying to get back on track in November - because isn't that technically the start of the holidays? What has happened in October that has caused us all to feel like we need to get back on track? And can we even get back on track with the holidays approaching?

Don't get me wrong - I am not saying I'm not part of this group. I definitely need to get back on track too.

I feel like the holidays wouldn't be so bad if we could take out the huge build-up of anxiety that comes with it's arrival. It's like we convince ourselves that being healthy during the holidays is impossible. This makes us more susceptible to slip up because we've already established a negative connotation to the holidays in regards to our health. It's like telling yourself all day that you don't want to work out. Your workout is going to be awful because you've convinced yourself it will be a negative experience. Tell yourself all day you're going to have a great workout, and it will be a great workout.

Stupid mind and it's trickery and games.

So what's so bad about the holidays? You spend a lot of time with friends and family and that's great. Some of these people may not choose to be healthy, but so do a lot of other people we come in contact with every day. Sure there are some special holiday treats that we all have, but we face the temptation of treats all the time. You don't always have a set routine because events come up and people are off of school and work, but that's the same as the weekends - right? If you break down each of the challenges we all face in the holiday season, you are able to see that these challenges are the same that we face every day. So are the holidays hard because these challenges are more frequent and large scale in nature? Or because we enter the holiday season with the preconceived notion of how hard it will be?

I don't have the answer. I wish I did. But I'm going to approach this holiday season as if it's a mental battle. I will tell myself that I am in control of my body, my nutrition and my actions. I will apply my acknowledgement that when I have the option to be healthy I will take it, so I don't feel guilty if I don't have the option. I'm also going to simplify my life as much as I can. I normally make a long list of monthly goals, but I'm going to just focus on two things this month - consistent exercise and eating what I've planned to eat instead of what is just there. You know, you go into the office and someone brought in a huge bowl of candy? I'm not eating it unless I planned ahead to have it! I won't be going out/eating out unless I plan it in advance. I'll be in New Jersey with Matt's family for (almost) an entire week over Christmas and I will do my best then also because I'm in control! Even if they don't have the healthiest food I would choose, I still am in control of my portions and hopefully I can help his mom with some of the cooking so I can health-ify it a little!

I am going to grab the holidays by the horns and make my own path instead of following in everyone else's footsteps. For me, just sticking to these two little principles of exercising and controlling what I'm eating is going to make the difference. I don't need a long list of goals to get my head lost around. I don't need the disappointment of not meeting these specific goals or the stress of achieving them. I just need to tell myself every morning that I AM in control, that I CAN do it, and that I AM THE ODD DUCK.

I'm the girl that makes it through the holidays losing weight, not gaining

I've also joined two holiday challenges - one sponsored by spark and the other is the POTM challenge, so I can stay accountable. These challenges are small and simple in nature, just like my plan is.I'm the one that makes it through the holidays losing instead of gaining.

I will keep repeating these mantras to myself today (and the entire Holiday Season!):

*I am in control of my body, my nutrition and my actions.

*Change your mentality and everything else will follow.

*Pick the healthy option when it's available so you don't feel guilty when there is no healthy option.

*Don't approach healthy living as a diet. Approach it as a way of life. You WILL eat holiday treats, you will choose how many and which ones you have. And you will enjoy every single one that you have! Life is too short to not enjoy it.

Good luck to you all in this unofficial Back on track month!

What are you doing to stay on track (or get BACK on track) this holiday season?

My spark anniversary

As promised, here are a few excerpts from my spark blog about my spark anniversary. Even though this blog is relatively new, I've been on spark for one year now and on a journey to lose weight and be healthy for 14 months at this point. I can't say enough about spark people. If you want to lose weight or just be healthy you can get support, advice, articles, trackers, etc at spark people. It's completely 100% free and FULL of information and resources and has a huge community of people trying to live just like you! If you decide to join, let me know and you can look me up! I'd love to help anyone with their spark journey!

So in true Heather form, I made a few lists to recap the things I've done over this past year and a look into the future. I debated several different types of lists because I realized that some of the things I wanted to say were negative, but then I remembered that there IS negativity in my life and I've found ways to defeat it with the power of positive. So even if there are a few negative things thrown in these lists, remember that I am choosing to NOT focus on them and I am focused on the positive. I picked 12 things for each category since I've been on spark 12 months.

In the past year on spark, I have lost:

1. 25 actual pounds and 15-25 pounds of weight I WOULD have gained had I not found spark.
2. Almost 2 full pants sizes. I will be in the next size down in a matter of weeks to a month. 

3. Massive inches all over my body - but most noticeably in my waist, sides and arms. I wish I could find the original measurements from a year ago but I think I might have thrown them away.
4. Stress. I've made decisions to eliminate as much stress as I can from my life and I've worked reallllly hard on this task.
5. My house, because I sold it! That was such a huge decision for me and it has proven to be an excellent decision.
6. My tendencies to emotional eat. Or rather, I've lost the habit to emotional eat. I still feel tempted, but I'm able to fight this temptation a majority of the time and recognize that eating my emotions won't make them better. I have to cope and deal with them!

7. Two family members - my uncle and my Oma. Both losses were very hard on me, but I've been stronger and more capable of dealing with these losses this time than I have with any of my other previous losses.
8. My fear of running! Turns out, I LOVE IT!
9. My fear of failure and my obsession with perfection. Okay, so I still sometimes feel like I fail because I'm not perfect, but I'm learning that perfection is NOT attainable or even something that is measurable so I can't focus on it. This has been a huge win for me.
10. Some of my social anxiety. I still have social anxiety, but I'm doing MUCH better. I actually want to go out with friends now and I'm not embarrassed by my weight (most of the time) and worried what people are thinking of me. I'm able to focus on the people I'm with and what we are doing more than I am thinking about how I look or who is judging me. This is a more recent development, so I definitely have strides to make here!
11. The fear that I can't eat out. One year ago I didn't feel like I could successfully eat out or eat at someone's house. Now, I know that I can and I do it pretty often.
12. The feeling that I was always the fat girl. I'm NOT! I still have a long way to go, but the progress I've already made has made me realize I'm not the fat girl anymore. I'm just me!

In the past year on spark, I have gained:

1. WONDERFUL, incredible, amazing spark friends who I hold near and dear to my heart and love beyond words can imagine.
2. The title as a super hero. I can't describe to anyone how much my fellow Super Heroes - Stef and Heather mean to me. Not a day has passed since July that I haven't spoken to at least one of them at least once during the day (usually more!). These girls know me better than I know myself and I can turn to them for anything and everything and I love them so much for it.
3. A wonderful (but sometimes annoying) dog that Matt and I adopted. Lexi is a part of our family now and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, sometimes she annoys me - but I wouldn't trade her for anything!
4. A renewed passion for cooking - though this time it's healthy cooking. Cooking is stress relief for me and it makes me truly happy.
5. A new career! Well, it's in the works. But spark has helped me realize that the best way for me to stay healthy the rest of my life is to help others become healthy! I have already announced I am going back to school to become a Registered Dietitian and I definitely can attribute spark to helping me find my life's passion.
6. A new outlook on life. In this past year I have really focused on becoming happy and becoming a positive person. One year ago today, I was miserable and unhappy and full of heavy emotion that I wouldn't share with anyone. I was negative and thought I could not accomplish anything. I have changed all of this over the past year and I continue to work on improving these aspects of my life EVERY DAY. I never imagined that losing weight would open my eyes to many changes that were necessary to make my life better but I'm so thankful for all of these changes!
7. The title of Spark motivator. This was an incredible accomplishment for me and it definitely pushes me every day to be more successful.
8. A love and passion for exercise. Sure, this happened only recently (June/July) but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love exercise and I realize that it is one of the top priorities in my life because it reduces my stress, improves my sleep, makes me feel better all around, forces me to focus on healthy eating so I can fuel my workouts, etc. etc. I could go on here, but I'll stop :)
9. Confidence that I can truly accomplish anything I want, all it takes is dedication from myself and hard work. This confidence has carried into all parts of my life and I couldn't be happier for it.
10. Motivation to be a better, healthier, happier person. I used to feel like I had no motivation but that was because I hadn't done any work. Motivation comes AFTER the hard work and hard decisions. Make those, see progress and you'll be motivated to keep going!
11. A slew of new recipes, new techniques and new foods that I really love. Who would have thought I would find a way to like oatmeal, yogurt, brussel sprouts, tomatoes, etc? I LOVE it!
12. The reputation as someone who lives life healthy. I've inspired friends of mine in real life, my family, Matt, spark members and random blog readers on the internet to live a healthier lifestyle by SHOWING them that it can be done and that it's successful and truly changes your life.

In the past year on spark, I have accomplished:

1. I ran an entire 5K, without stopping. This is one of the proudest moments of my life.
2. I have lost all the weight I gained since graduating college. Now I just need to work on the weight I gained DURING college :)
3. I set a goal to become a spark motivator, and I did it!
4. I admitted that I cannot do everything, I am not perfect and I do need help from others.
5. I have brought my blood pressure and resting heart rate down and am no longer pre-hypertensive.
6. I have decided to no longer let my thyroid be an excuse for being heavy. I never thought I'd be able to lose weight with a thyroid issue, but I've decided that's not true. It might take me longer, but I'll do it.
7. I have dealt with my fear of opening up to people and started a public blog where I talk about my weight loss and healthy living. Sometimes I still feel very anxious about putting personal details out there for everyone to see, but I know that I'm helping others and myself, so I keep writing.
8. I have found my own path for my life in this past year and I am no longer doing things because someone else feels that's the best thing for me. I am in control of all of my emotions and actions and I am the only one who decides my path and my future.
9. I have decided I am not happy in my current career and have carefully and thoughtfully changed my career path to one that is better suited for my lifestyle and my personality. I have applied to said program and been admitted and I will start this spring.
10. I have learned the knowledge of portion control and moderation and I have lost all of my weight WITHOUT giving up anything I love. I don't diet, I live.
11. I have learned to be my own biggest fan and to support myself. Instead of viewing myself as a failure, I now see myself as a dedicated and accomplished athlete that has many more successes in front of her.
12. I have NOT become a yo-yo dieter. This was a huge fear of mine as I've never tried to lose weight before, but I can successfully say that I am NOT a yo-yo dieter! WHOO!

In the NEXT year on spark, I plan to accomplish:

1. I will run a 10K.
2. I will weigh in the 100s again for the first time since I was probably 18.
3. I will be able to wear my high school ring on my finger again!
4. I will find a healthy balance between school and work, and school and my new part time job starting in the summer.
5. I will continue to work on myself and become a better person for myself, my family and my friends.
6. I will continue to motivate and inspire others to live a healthy lifestyle by keeping up with my outside blog and be more active on spark! I will continue to blog, both here and outside spark because it truly is my spiritual outlet and a way to connect with myself!
7. I will continue to work on happiness and reduce stress.
8. I will continue to see the positive aspects of situation and drown out the negative voices in my head.
9. I will, at least ONCE, follow my weekly goals to a T and accomplish everything on the days I should. This is such a hard task, but I will do it at least once!
10. I will try one new vegetable/fruit a month.
11. I will continue to exercise and track my food, as these are key contributors to my success.
12. I will make it to my 2 year sparkversary without dropping off spark and without yo-yo ing with my weight!

In the past year on spark, I have made several HUGE revelations:

1. I am in control of everything I do, eat, say, feel, think, etc.
2. Motivation comes AFTER the work, not before.
3. 90% of the battle of weight loss, becoming happy or any BIG change in your life is mental. The mental battle is by far the hardest battle in the world.
4. Being happy is wonderful and why did I ever feel like I didn't deserve this or need this?
5. You only have one life, so make it the best life that you can.
6. The stronger you are, the more you admit defeat, trouble and ask for help.
7. You can eat ANYTHING you want, just practice moderation and portion control. You can have it all, just not all at once.
8. Weight means nothing in comparison to inches, accomplishments and the way you feel.
9. There are people out there that feel the same way as you. You just have to find them.
10. No one has the right to make you feel bad and you do not have the right to make anyone else feel bad. Be nice, what's so bad about it?
11. Set goals. How will you ever accomplish anything without a goal?
12. Some days will be harder than others, but on those days you will test your real character and see how far you really have come! YOU CAN DO IT.

Thank you so much for celebrating my anniversary with me! Here is my present to myself, which I am SO excited about. I've never had eggplant before and I think this guy is SO super cute and I can't wait to try him! He will be my first new veggie of this second year on spark. Can't wait!

MIA

My apologizes on being MIA. My family was in town this weekend and I had a lot of things going on so I was not home at all!

Unfortunately, my weekend didn't go as well as I had hoped it would. I've been basically on the verge of an emotional breakdown all weekend. I realize that I should talk about it, but I'm deciding not to today because:

1. I'm an internalizer. I keep everything in (I am working on this, I promise)

2. Some of the things that happened should remain private matters

3. I don't want to exploit myself or anyone on the world wide web (remember when we called it that?)

4. I'm exhausted and frankly talked out about everything

So, staying true to my current quest of not being a negative Nancy - I will leave you with a few realizations I had this weekend. These realizations (however hard some are), are going to help me become a stronger and healthier person every day!

1. Exercise is a much better stress reducer than alcohol or food ever were for me (If only I had exercised more this weekend..)

2. Sometimes the best "vacation" is living the life you live every day. Do you notice how much more relaxed and accomplished you feel when you stay in your typical daily/weekly routine? I am always more exhausted and more stressed after a busy week/weekend/time of friends, family or traveling. Give me my normal, predictable life any day (I am SO looking forward to this week and weekend because there is nothing special planned!)

3. You are the only person that controls your life, your emotions, your happiness, your sadness, your food, your exercise and your well being. Other people can be influencers of these things, but you have the final say of how you react.

4. Always live by the golden rule: "Treat others as you want to be treated."

5. Dallas actually has healthy and fresh restaurants that are not chains and serve more food I would eat than food I wouldn't eat. I experienced this myself Saturday night when my family went to The Dream Cafe for dinner. I can't wait to go back!

6. I'm sure everyone is getting tired of my vague, strange entries and pep talks I've had with myself lately, but it's my blog and I'll pep talk myself if I want to!

More realizations to come - stay tuned for Things I love shortly.

Cold Feet

I think I've already told you guys that I'm a worrier and an obsessor. So that means that at any given time of every single day, I'm worrying or mulling over something in my head. Sometimes it gets so bad that I'll be hardcore worried about something and a few minutes later I can't even remember what I was worrying about, but the feelings of stress and worry are still my body. I'm consumed most days by worry over things that I can't control.

Sometimes, when a lot of hectic things are going on I'll have little fits where I become obsessed with ONE thing that I think I can control and I'll stop at nothing to complete this one task. This is what happened when I sold my house. I couldn't control when my house was going to sell, but I could control the new things I needed for my apartment. I seriously spent about a week freaking out about what shower curtain I should buy for the apartment I didn't even have.

sigh. I know, it's bad.

Seriously though, I'm learning to control it. I know I've mentioned several times that I'm working on my stress and I've seen leaps and bounds of progress just by changing the way I think. I've learned some basic stress management skills and when I find myself in a state of panic, I rely on these skills and I talk my way through the stress. Why else do you think I have SO many pep talks with myself!? I've learned that every time that I am on the "what if" ledge, that I should keep pushing myself and take the what if to the most absolute (but realistic) circumstance and then tell myself I can get through it.

I know I have these skills. I know that stress is nothing but a lack of confidence. I know that I cannot control certain things in life and that's okay. I KNOW these things and I tell myself these things, but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes the stress still seeps in.  I started working on managing my stress in June or July of this year and I seriously have been doing a fantastic job. I have been feeling SO much better about life and I started implementing structure into my life and I was able to bring some of the quirks and characteristics of my old self back into my life and learn to stop being embarrassed about them. Instead of feeling like I was stuck in a miserable life with no way out, I decided to become a positive thinker and to decide what I really wanted in life.

One of those things is obviously a new career. But I have to admit, as excited as I am and as happy as it makes me to think about what my new life is going to be like with a fantastic job that I'm passionate about, that stress has been seeping in. I've been going through major bouts of cold feet regarding this decision. The cold feet started as soon as I considered going back to school. I kept throwing ALL these negative thoughts at myself and I was focusing ONLY on the negative aspects of making this change. This would be a pay decrease from a life in finance. I will be a poor college kid for the next 3.5 years. I will accumulate MORE student debt. What will my family think? Is this even feasible?

I even read an article this morning about the top 10 areas for job growth, expecting something in the dietetics/nutrition field to be present because of all the talk about healthcare reform and instead I saw "Senior Financial Analyst," which is the career path I'm on right now.

But as all of these negative thoughts keep flooding in, I keep thinking about my life now and how I'm not happy with where my career is going. The one saving grace for me when I start experiencing cold feet is to think about what I'll be doing. It's to read books about the profession, or read the blogs of RDs or to read about what Ellie Krieger does each day and how RD's help other people. Everytime I read those things, it's like my body is consumed with excitement and I just know in my gut that this is a great step for me and it's the right step.  Then I give myself that pep talk and say, "I can do anything that I want and I will be successful because I define success for myself." I recognize that excitement and stress feel the same way to the body, so when I feel stress, I need to just convince myself it's excitement instead.

I have a fortune from a fortune cookie of many years ago on a picture of me and my dad on my nightstand. I actually completely forgot this was there until last night when I saw it again. It says something along the lines of: "Today might be the day to make some decisions based on your instincts." I realized my instincts tell me that I'm going to be a fantastic RD. My instincts tell me that helping people and sharing the gift of healthy living with other people is what will make me the most happy. My instincts tell me this profession is going to keep me motivated to continue my own healthy lifestyle. My instincts tell me a career as a RD it will give me the stability and safety that I need in life. 

So today and tomorrow and every day in the future that I start to get cold feet, I'm going to turn to my instincts. My instincts tell me I'm getting cold feet because this is a big change and change is scary - not because I'm making a mistake. My instincts are MINE and therefore I will only listen to myself and not listen to everyone else. I don't care who supports me and who doesn't, I'm doing this for me and me only.